Touchdown: Hail to the Walmart Shopper

Let's all look up the definition of "too little, too late" in the dictionary and find a picture of Walmart.

I'm just sitting here with some Kopinskis and some cats, doing my thing, you know, as you do, with the ol' television on in the background showing a little Detroit Lions game and whatnot (yes, yes, we moved to Chicago; we're back up in Michigan for a few days to attend a wedding and retrieve the cats) and along comes a Walmart commercial in which a parental figure can get all the things needed for life or whatever at !@#$&* Walmart (I'm a little sketchy on the initial details since I wasn't paying close attention, because a. background television b. Walmart) and here's his ten- or twelve- or whatever-year-old daughter and Dad can get the soccer uniform supplies and then cut to the cheerleading squad and Dad can get the pom-poms  at Walmart and so on, and then -- then! -- THEN!! How dare you, Walmart??!?! I shake my fist at you, you mighty behemoth of evil! You swine! YOU DUMB HORRIBLE... -- then, it's a football game. You know, good ol' MURR-ican football, and Dad can get the pigskin at Walmart, there it is in the top of his shopping bag, for his daughter to toss around. Get it? His daughter! Wants to play American football! And there's ol' Dad with his befuddled face, like "Whaaa-huh? My daughter? Oh gosh gee willickers, there she is on the field tossing the football, aren't I the swell dad." Girls can play football, too. (And get concussions). End scene.

Really, Walmart? NOW you've decided to be all cutesy-wutesy about the 'tween girls being able to hold their own with the boys? NOW? It only took you twenty years, right, no big deal! I HATE WALMART (everyone knows this) but the first reason I hated Walmart (anyone who has been paying attention knows this) stems from the 1990s when some jackwads protested a t-shirt (it's a t-shirt, OK, jackwads? gtf over yourselves) that Walmart (or was it Wal Mart then?) had for sale with Margaret from Dennis the Menace -- you remember Margaret? you remember Dennis the Menace, whom she forever tormented, and he bugged her right back? you remember how they were, what? FIVE? six? OK, so here's Margaret from Dennis the Menace on this t-shirt, arms widespread, proclaiming "Someday a woman will be PRESIDENT!" and much to Dennis' (and what's-his-name, the other boy, the friend's) chagrin, you know, Margaret thinks maybe it will be her, eh? And some total effing JACKWADS who are loser jerky dumb fat idiota stupid Walmart swine protested that this t-shirt (just so we're totally clear here, folks: it's a t-shirt) (with a comic strip character on it) went against family values (that phrase doesn't mean ANYthing!!!!!!!! at all!) and what did Walmart do? Why, pulled the t-shirt of course. Because when it comes to reactionary jackwad politics, Walmart is all like, sign me right up! Let's have some family values up in here! Let's not let a five-year-old fictional character fling her arms at the sky and say "Someday a woman will be president!" Because FAMILY VALUES!  I hate everyone in the world. But mostly I hate Walmart.

So, just no, Walmart. No. You suck, and you made a totally conscious decision to suck, and you cannot unsuck by making a commercial twenty years later now that everyone from Beyonce to Taylor Swift is a feminist. You missed the boat -- on purpose -- because you suck. You chose to be the suckiest suckers ever, and all you ever do nowadays is try to unsuck: "Oh, we sell organic meat now, blah blah blah. Oh, we help our employees with assistance programs now, blah blah blah. Oh we're so sustainable in the great environmental pit of doom that is China (where shopping Walmart is buying local, eh). Once the trendy yuppie gluten-shunning crowd makes enough noise we recalculate our figures and make a policy and for some reason everyone falls for it and goes Ahhhh, look at Walmart, they're on their best behavior... they're not so bad..." YES THEY ARE, PEOPLE. They are so bad. So. Bad. They are the ultimate example of not doing f*ck all to be awesome until everyone else has jumped off the awesome bridge and they are left with no choice. And now, they have apparently decided that little ol' Margaret can be president after all. Or at least maybe play in the NFL. Which is probably a more envied position in the U.S. of A. anyway, right?

 Hate. I hate. I have all the hatred. Walmart. !@#^$&*(#