Sunday, April 29, 2007

"And I went in seeking clarity..."

I have had a dream. I am aware that my tendency to post here about my dreams along with comments such as "Is this a sign?!" might lead some of you dear readers to believe I am all new-aged out and susceptible to visions. Well, no. I just think our dreams tell us what we want. It's like, "I now yield the floor to my colleague from the subconscious."

Last night (and this whole week) (month) (semester) I felt restless. I'd been fretting about my lack of clarity. I went out with Lillian, my ex-roommate from USC. I think that maybe when you decide clarity is overrated, then you get some. I have become increasingly dismayed trying to determine the Right Answer to the question, "Do I want to remain in law school?" I have become further increasingly dismayed (that sounds redundant, but it isn't) by the fact that I seem to have let my subconscious take over this semester and do what it wants (i.e., not really keep up on all the reading). Has my subconscious been trying to tell me something? Let's see...

In my dream last night, a friend and I were at some sort of dance event, as in prom-ballroom dance, where there were assembled many people from "the university" (unidentified) we apparently attended. All our professors were there. Among them, sitting next to each other in the chairs that lined the walls, were two professors I have had in real life. One we'll call Professor Law School. He is my Criminal Law teacher from last semester, his class was one of my favorites, I got an A+ in it, he's hilarious and unconventional but also traditionally brilliant, and I am doing a bit of research assistance for him now. In other words, he seems to be all the things I like about law school and representative of me actually putting forth effort here. The other professor we'll call Professor Cuba. He is my undergrad Comparative Lit professor born in Cuba raised in Puerto Rico then came to Los Angeles who during my last semester at USC inspired our life-altering spring break trip which then led to my post-graduation summer which is the subject of the Cuba book I am currently trying to finish. He seems to represent the writing life that I really want to lead if I could just do it instead of finding every reason in the world why I can't lead that writing life.

The friend, who was a familiar amalgamation of good friends from various periods of my life, had some sort of crush on one? both? of them, and wanted to ask them to dance but was too shy. Various other people were dancing; the room and the dance floor were neither crowded nor empty. I was like, "Whatever, I'll ask them, I'm not afraid. Here, I'll go with you and ask and then we'll all dance so it doesn't look like your idea." It was unclear to me which one she wanted to dance with or which one I wanted to dance with. We walked over and I enthusiastically greeted, "Hey, Professor Cuba! Hey, Professor Law School!" Hugs and such were exchanged. I suggested we all dance. They both stood up and there was a bit of shuffling in which I thought perhaps she was going to dance with Professor Law School, whom she then seemed to really like in that moment. But then he chose me, and she disappeared with Professor Cuba.

Professor Law School and I danced. I never saw the other two again before I woke up.

"I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry, or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind,
got my paper, and I was free.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive,
the closer I am to fine.
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend
And I woke up in the morning like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity..."
--indigo girls, 'closer to fine'

2 comments:

amy c said...

hmmmmm.

In the dream, you didn't 'choose' either one. Professor Law School choose you.

Are you letting law school choose you?

What did you feel when you were dancing? how was it, being with Law School? Did you wish you were with Writing Cuba Guy (your writing life?)

i know you wanted analytics, but i so have no idea. i do think it's telling that you (your subconscious) didn't CHOOSE either one. Law guy choose YOU.

linda said...

I know...I thought that, too, even though it didn't hit me at first. It's like how Pam used to tell me to "flip a coin and you'll know while it's in the air how you want it to land." I didn't even know I wanted to dance with Professor Cuba Writing -- I thought my friend had all the crushes -- until I went off and danced with Professor Law School instead.